Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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