Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
