By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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