i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
