I hate your face
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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