Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
