I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
