I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
