kristin has been a bad kristin
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
