Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
pray to the hookup gods
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
