The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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