I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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