yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
well you can't waste a boner
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
