our cab driver is having phone sex.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
