What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time