Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.