I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night