got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
