I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
