Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
