Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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