Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
