i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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