Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
