I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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