So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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