i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
