I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
