I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
