i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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