have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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