I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
zippers are such a cool invention
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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