If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
