i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
