i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
