I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
