my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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