Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
