My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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