So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I love having hate sex.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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