You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
