She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
