I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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