I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm like, not good at living.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
