i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
