Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
