I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
