Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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