so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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