Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's the barista slut.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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