my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
