never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
