I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
