this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
