my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
