it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
