Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
