3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
