finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
