Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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