Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
