i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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