She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We talked him into tasing himself.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
